Reasons to Stop Changing People around You
We all understand that changing yourself is extremely difficult. Changing your eating habits and starting to exercise is not that easy, and some people spend their whole lives doing it. But despite this, we flatter ourselves with the hope that we can change another person.
We feel the need to talk through every detail and find convincing arguments, so the person we are trying to change will quickly start living by the new rules. For some reason, this perspective looks so real that we do not give up and waste all our energy on it. We think that our love can move mountains, not to mention change someone, but the truth is that between those two, it is much easier to move a mountain.
Although trying to change someone mostly comes from altruistic and innocent motives, it tends to be more harmful than helpful. It also may cause a crack in your interpersonal relationships, so continue reading to find out why you push people away, sometimes without even knowing, and why you should stop trying to change those around you.
Attempts to change other people often indicate dissatisfaction with your own life. We unconsciously transfer our problems onto people around us – mostly our loved ones – or tend to blame them for our own failures. Before you spend your energy and time trying to put someone’s life in order, you need to realize that the reason you are doing so, is to distract yourself from your own life and problems. Moreover, trying to change people frequently connects more with your desire to fulfill your own needs than making someone else change for the better.
For example, you may be frustrated with the fact that your partner is not interested in anything and they spent most of their time at home. At the same time, you may not notice that you spend all your time with them, so it is your inactivity that actually dissatisfies you, and not your partner’s attitude. Looking at your true motives will help you focus on your self-improvement and exclude selfish incentives to change other people.
Stop Helping Others
At first glance, protecting your loved ones from troubles is a perfectly reasonable and correct thing to do. However, by trying to help them in the way that we think is right, we might unwittingly create many new problems. Your perseverance and advice without a request can create additional stress and tension in the relationships that can lead to an open conflict.
When you try to help, or solve a problem, it can be perceived as arrogant behavior and treating the other person with disdain. Making decisions for others means to undermine their independence, deprive them of the opportunity to gain valuable experience, grow, and develop themselves.
Instead of doing things for others, let them live their own lives, make their own mistakes, and deal with the consequences. It will allow you to focus on what is under your control and show respect for the autonomy of others.
Acceptance is a Key
Changes come alongside the control of everything you can reach out to – actions, habits, and appearances. But why try to change someone’s personality if you happened to like them in the first place? You risk creating a significant number of conflicts and put someone you care about in an uncomfortable situation. Nature and habits unavoidably will become much closer and more important than such a relationship.
Sometimes hidden grudges can be the reason behind trying to change someone – you may think that you will forgive someone when they change for the better for you. But real forgiveness requires us to stop resisting the pain and accept it. If you would not give up trying to change your partner, you will never forgive them truly.
But if you can accept someone as they are and show them your acceptance, you will see how your bound strengthens, and your value will significantly increase in the eyes of a loved one. Accepting someone’s flaws and imperfections will not make you love them less – it will allow you both to be supportive, understanding, and grow mentally.
The need to change a person is connected to altruistic impulses and a desire to be helpful on the surface. Still, sometimes even those pure intentions may lead to misunderstandings or conflicts in your interpersonal relationships. You may not even realise that such a need comes from the desire to distract yourself from your own problems.
If you have been trying to change others for years you might need some time to move away from it. Be patient and condescending to yourself, focus on things you can control, and solve your own problems. All you can do for people around you is accept them the way they indeed are, be supportive when they need you and help only when asked.